As I begin this update, I am completing an activity that I have only ever performed twice in my life as a potty trained individual. I just took a crap on a toilet that wasn’t located somewhere I was also sleeping. Yes, that is correct. I have only ever defecated at home or in a location where I would later be asleep. The only exceptions to this were:
1) As a primary school boy in the 5th grade when I just couldn’t hold it until the end of the day.
2) As an 11th grader on an internship in New York.
And then we have now…at work…in the middle of the day. I am upset, needless to say. This isn’t a personal hygiene or OCD thing…I’m fairly certain the toilets in my office are used less and cleaned more often than the toilet in my own apartment.
But there’s something disconcerting about trusting my bare ass to this horribly industrial, white plastic toilet seat.
As a child, I didn’t suckle on anybody else’s mother’s breast. I didn’t sleep in anybody else’s bed. I didn’t eat anybody else’s food off anybody else’s plate, and I damn sure have not pleased anybody else’s wife (girlfriend, yes…but wife, ABSOLUTELY not).
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that taking a shit anywhere but the place you’re willing to make your home is just fucking wrong.
Don’t do it. Because if you do, I wouldn’t be caught dead inside you…or even just talking to you.
